A Few Loose Canons

In light of the recent mess the report of the "Gospel of Judas" caused, I thought today to share a few more books of the Bible that would make it into the pages of Scripture if the canon was open today.

"The Gospel of Priority"-- which describes how Jesus said it's okay, when Christmas Day falls on a Sunday, to skip church because we had our dose of Jesus the night before. The second part of the book gives the right relationship of church and sports teams, and the conclusion exhorts people to insist in their prayers that God let them know months in advance which church activities to go to, so they can work them into their calendars.

"The Letter from the Romans"-- where each denomination has the chance to explain why only the members of its own churches will be going to Heaven.

"The Gospel of the Lampstand"-- where Jesus explains how He always intended for America to rule the world.

"The Wise Sayings of Mom and Dad"-- this book will contain all the little gems like "God helps those who help themselves" and "There are starving children in Africa, you know, now finish what's on your plate" so they can finally be in the Bible, where parents for generations have insisted they are.

"The Book of Paths"-- where Jesus says that really, it's okay to believe anything you want because all the religions really do point back to God-- that stuff about Jesus being the only way was really just to scare the Romans.

And finally, "The Book of Jesus Loves... um... You." This book gives a complete list of all the people Jesus doesn't really love, because no one really believes He hung out with all the people the Bible says he did, or if He did, it certainly doesn't mean I have to.

I've offered this short list today mostly in satire, but now that I'm reading over it, this passage comes with a warning-- some of these "books" and "gospels" are becoming tempting. Let's be very careful, since they're not in our Bible, to keep them out of our ministries!